Far Away
by missnewvillage
Summary: Takes place after 3x14, but does not follow the storyline. After the accident, Rachel writes Quinn a letter expressing her feelings towards Quinn. Quinn is unable to read it.


Far Away

March 30, 2012

Dearest Quinn,

It is so difficult to write this letter. I don't even know where to begin. I remember the first day I saw you. It was the first day of seventh grade. None of us were concerned about popularity yet. I was best friends with Santana and Brittany. Everyone in our grade was the best of friends. We spoke amicably to each other. We were a cohesive unit. Then you came and things slowly changed – I still don't know if it was for the best or for the worst. You were the prettiest girl I had ever seen. Long flowing hair, piercing hazel eyes, slender body – you were the epitome of beauty. But you caused a whirlwind of change, Quinn, a change that caused my life to become miserable.

You quickly befriended Santana and Brittany, which did not come as a surprise. They were the prettiest girls in our grade. You became the most popular girl in the entire junior high. Even the eighth grade girls wanted to be just like you. You got the attention, the envious stares, and the popularity. Soon everyone treated you, Santana, and Brittany as goddesses. The Unholy Trinity – no one could ever do as much as look at you wrongly or else they would get bullied or worse. I lost my best friends, and I became the girl that was picked on because I didn't look as pretty as you.

High school came and the bullying became worse. I truly detest the person who invented the slushee because that sugary drink has been a constant source of humiliation for me. And it was only because I was deemed a loser and a freak. Freshman year was dreadful. I had no friends; I was a social outcast - a nobody. When Mr. Schue started the New Directions I saw a chance to be a part of something that had the ability to be special and important. I latched onto it like it was my life support. And then you had to try and sabotage it just because you thought I was trying to steal Finn away from you. In all honesty I never really saw Finn that way. I just wanted a chance to be part of a group that had a chance of winning Regionals. Finn had the potential to be an amazing male lead, so I needed to make sure he would stay in the New Directions. It didn't occur to me that he liked me until you joined the club to spy on us. But once I found out, I did my best to flirt back with him.

You had everything, Quinn. You had the love of the entire school. You were head cheerleader, president of the celibacy club, all around American looks. Why should you have the quarterback, too? Your presence in my life ruined everything I ever had. So I wanted revenge. That year was a horrible year for me because I turned into someone set for revenge.

I did eventually fall in love with Finn. It's hard not to. He is nice and caring. He is funny and charming. My game of revenge became one that now had a prize – Finn Hudson. We went back and forth in our game junior year. I had him, and then you had him until finally I had won. He chose me, and for the first two months it was amazing. I was finally wanted; I felt like I belonged. I felt loved, and I hadn't felt that way since you came into my life in seventh grade.

But that feeling went away the second I saw you when school returned. You became a Skank. Why would you do that, Quinn? Did I really affect you that much? You had the brightest future out of everyone in the school. Sure you made mistakes and did some things that you regret or would take back, but you still had a chance to get out of Lima. You are so smart; you have cheerleading as an extracurricular activity, and you have an incredible voice. You could do anything you want and be successful at it. Yet Finn and I being a couple was enough for you to spiral out of control. I finally saw you as Lucy Q. Fabray. You were so closed in. You were insecure and vulnerable, so you acted out. I knew I made a mistake in wanting to get revenge on you. So I tried to rectify my mistake.

I talked to you about it. I tried to get you to stop being destructive to yourself and those around you. I tried to bring you back to the confident person I knew you were. I didn't do it just to right my wrongdoings. I did it because I truly cared about you. Thankfully you eventually listened. Somehow we managed to forge a friendship. And I can say that you are one of my closest and truest friends. You always listen to me and hear me out. You give me insightful advice and never tell me what to do. Except for marrying Finn, but you did have a point. I would have ruined my life.

I never imagined living the rest of my life without you. But now that is exactly what I have to do now. And I can't help but blame myself. It always comes down to me, doesn't it? It was because of me that you died. If you hadn't been rushing to make my wedding then you wouldn't have been in the car. If I hadn't texted you then you would have been paying attention to the road. You would have seen the truck. You would be alive right now. It's all my fault, Quinn. I am so sorry.

Santana told me everything, Quinn. She told me how you had a crush on me since seventh grade. She told me how insecure you were about liking girls. She told me about how you both talked about me and Brittany in junior high. She told me that the real reason you didn't want Finn to be with me was because you wanted me for yourself. She told me that you cared for me so deeply.

It is so ironic because if you would have told me this from the beginning then I would have jumped at the opportunity to be your girlfriend. Then all of this drama would have been avoided. Instead, you are gone, and I am all alone.

I miss you so much, Quinn. I don't know how I can get over this. You were my soulmate, Quinn – my everything – and I didn't even realize it when I had you. I don't know what I can do now that you are gone and we will never be.

It is so hard to wake up in the morning knowing that you are not here. I can't even stand to be in our English class because I have to look at your empty seat. It is so bad that my parents have taken me to a grief counselor. But nothing he says ever helps me, because his words cannot ever bring you back.

I love you more than you will ever know. I am so regretful that it took your death for me to realize it. We could have had it all, Quinn. And now we both have nothing.

Everything I ever have the blessing to achieve will be done in memory of you, the love of my life and the one that will always have my heart.

I'd like to think that you are someplace peaceful and watching over me. I'd like to think that you are protecting me and will guide me as I try and live a life without you physically present. I'd like to think that your presence will always be with me. I don't think I'd be able to survive without believing these things.

I'm not going to say goodbye to you, Quinn. I can't do that. I'll always have you in my heart. So I guess I'll close this letter by saying I love you and I miss you more than anything. You will always be a part of my life. I can only hope that when it is my time to pass from this life to the afterlife that you will be waiting for me with open arms and as much love for me as I have for you.

Until we meet again,

all my love,

Rachel Barbra Berry


End file.
